Parenting?

It started for me almost as soon as I had conceived. The constant worry that haunted me then and still does today: Am I a good mom? I began reading various parenting books and magazines, any that I could get my hands on. I was obsessed. I would break the bad patterns of parenting passed down from my own parents and I would be SUPERmom, the kool-aid mom, June Cleaver, and Claire Huxtable all rolled into one. I was constantly searching for live parenting mentors. I quit watching TV shows where the parents were not good role models for me. I had one all-consuming passion: being a good mom.

I wish I could say all that is different now. The literature is different. The mentors are different, but the obsession is the same. To somehow be a good mom.

AND THEN IT HITS ME UPSIDE MY HEAD, this is another PRIDE THING. Because it isn't all about God or my children, it is about the perceptions of the people around me. It is about me.

• What would people say if they stopped by and saw my house looking like this?
• What would people think if my child has a temper tantrum?
• What if my kid is a brat?
• What if my kid isn't smart?
• What if my kid is a bully?
• What will people say when they see the outfit my kid has on today?
• What if my child does not grow up to be a Christian?
• What if my child grows up and never wants to visit me?
• What will ____ think about how I discipline?
• What if _____doesn't think I am a good mom?
• What if _____ talks bad about me or my kids?

And the root of all of these questions...my PRIDE. People might think poorly of me. POOR ME. I want to always be thought well of by everyone. How God feels about me, the relationship I have with Him, the relationship my kids have with Him, and the relationship we have with each other are the only things that matter.

It dawns on me that only one of these questions REALLY matter AND I have no control over that. None. In fact, there are no guarantees in parenting. You pour your heart and soul into a child and there may not be any return on your investment. I have seen wonderful children come from the most broken and dysfunctional homes. I have also seen broken people come from adoring 'normal' families. I have really been having some serious prayer talks with God lately. They go something like this:

Me: God, I have no clue how to be a truly good mom. I come from such broken-ness and I am still quite broken myself. I don't know what I am doing here, I think I am blowing it.

God: Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Me: God, I really can't handle this. It is too much. I worry that my children will not 'turn out'.

God: Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

God is so good, so faithful to equip the called not call the equipped. The very fact that I am broken will work things out if I can only lose the pride- admit my faults and weaknesses to my children. They are not concerned with a SUPERmom. They just want a mom that loves them and makes them feel loved. They want parents that love each other and them. They want a home that is a sanctuary from the hurts of the world. They want boundaries that are clear and that keep them safe. They want grace and mercy.

In short, they want the very same things from me that I want from my Father. AND, with His help, I can be a good mom of good kids. We will be far from perfect, but then, aren't we all?

FOR TODAY Monday, June 29,2009

Outside my window...I am at the Evansville library, outside the window there is the convention center and traffic.

I am thinking...about what it means to be the person God called ME to be.

I am thankful for...family, friends and time away from home.

From the learning rooms...HAHAHA.

From the kitchen...HAHAHA.

I am wearing...pink capris and a pink shirt-purchased at separate times and yet they totally match.

I am creating...this blog post and not much else.

I am going...to pick up hubby and head home very soon.

I am reading...HAHAHA. Oh wait, I just read 124 blog posts in my reader.

I am hoping...for no bickering on the drive back home.

I am hearing...an annoying song ringtone. Why people? Why?

Around the house...nope.

One of my favorite things...LOST, my new unhealthy addiction.

A few plans for the rest of the week:A Pampered chef Party at my friend Amanda's tonight.

Manic Monday, Again!

We are traveling today. Recovering from a day of fun at Holiday World yesterday. It was sooo much fun. The weather was very hot but ended our day by being comfortable with some breeziness. This post is only to brag on Holiday World. It is the cleanest theme park in the world. Free soft drinks are awesome and the rides are so fun. The Splashin' Safari water park is awesome as well. If you have never been, you should totally plan to enjoy at least one day of your summer there!! We try to get there at least once a year.

Hot Today and Hot Tamale

I just checked email to see if I had any comments-I LOVE comments!!-and then realized I hadn't blogged today or yesterday. That, my friends, is the kind of week I am having this week. Wildly productive, but not getting on the 'puter very often. Amazing how productivity increases when computer time decreases.

My oldest girls are involved in community service this week. They don't love it but their character is growing (I think, it is so hard to tell sometimes!). They are grouchy when I pick them up because they have been working hard all day. That is a good grouchy. (Tired is the new black. ) Lilly has been keeping busy while they are away. She has spent the night with a friend, spent the day with Memaw and Pepaw and tonight a friend will spend the night with her. It's all good.

Today I had a meeting of my homeschool group. I am serving on the board this year and I am excited. Last year's board made the decision to make our group a closed group (in the past we have made all of our activities open to any homeschooler for a nominal fee) and also to require that each member get involved in some way-organizing an activity or helping in some other way. I think that will make this year one of our best years ever. I have my fingers crossed that Erika will change her mind about high school after we have a very active year in our homeschool group. However, I am braced for letting her start high school if she still wants to. I refuse to MAKE my children be homeschooled during high school unless there is some problem somewhere along the way that warrants it.

I have hauled three bags of clutter from the house to Goodwill and the Salvation Army. I have also taken several items to consignment. Later tonight, I am working on getting ALL of the fall stuff put away. I don't think we will have any cold snaps for a while and we will just enjoy the cold if we do!! Oh how we would enjoy a cold snap.

Hula, my lovely summer-lovin' friend, I hope you are loving our sweltering heat and drippy humidity. At last...

It's Just Another Manic Monday

For Today Monday, June 22, 2009

Outside my window...there is a storm blowing up. I hope the temps are lower after it passes through!!

I am thinking...about the fact that I will have time to myself tomorrow. A very rare and precious gift.

I am thankful for...new mercies every morning.

From the learning rooms...Oh please, who am I kidding. I simply CANNOT school in the summer.

From the kitchen...Oh please who am I kidding...

I am wearing...a pink sleepshirt.

I am creating...piles of curriculum to bless others with plus bags and boxes of items for Goodwill or the Salvation Army.

I am going...to savor this week of service camp...savor every moment.

I am reading...HA! I am not.

I am hoping...my physical goes well tomorrow.

I am hearing...the TV that should be turned off.

Around the house...only the living room and Lilly's room got the deep cleaning that I planned for every room. Better luck next time.

One of my favorite things...Gillette Venus razors. Seriously the best razor ever invented. I am shaving my legs more than once a week for the first time since I had children. Totally worth the price-seriously y'all all need one!! Gillette fusion is the male counterpart. You won't hate shaving anymore and I am getting nothing out of this endorsement(I did get one free at my hair color party though!)!

A few plans for the rest of the week:

• Making mountains out of molehills
• Assuring that my children have "no life"
• Telling myself over and over again that, "housework done incorrectly still blesses my family"
• Juggling the life of a 'stay at home' wife (who never gets to stay home!)
• Holiday World!
• Pinching a penny so hard that is cries for it's momma!

Tid Bits

I left out a few things on my last post. Health type things. Fun things.

I went to the doctor when I got home from camp.

The reason? My feet and ankles after 5 days of camp began to swell like melons. I was propping them up on chairs like a granny. Was I possibly overhydrated? I was drinking alot of water and the ice machine was my best friend. Also, an old kickball injury from last fall was making my right knee hurt so bad, I had the awesome CAMP MEDICAL STAFF wrap it for me-just in case it might help. It did help, however, the constant, "Oh my, you're hurt, what happened?" made me trot right back to them for removal after a couple of hours. So, I was a work-in for the first Monday after camp.

The verdict? The swelling was due to too much salt. I am not a health nut, but we don't eat alot of convenience type food. She checked my kidneys to make certain and there will be more tests at my physical next week. However, constant activity plus too much sodium can cause water retention. Solution? Lasix- a diuretic. Three P's for lasix(it's actually alot more than that!). Swelling is gone and I will only be on it for one week. Thank goodness-I was already an FPV(frequent potty visitor).

The knee was x-rayed and is not broken or damaged. I am diagnosed with early onset arthritis. I am sure this is related to my weight issues. And it stinks to know it will not get better. It does help alot to know that nothing is going to be further damaged by activity. Swimming yesterday really helped it alot. Our easy set pool is the best it has ever been and so I have no excuse not to do some low impact, maximum benefit exercise!!

Next, I challenged a camper who is dealing with diabetes to join me in losing 50 pounds before camp next year. I shared with her the story of my mom and the fact that I am at risk for diabetes too. She is an awesome girl who is in early stages of diabetes-meaning she could not get it if she manages her weight and diet. We are facebook friends so I will be thinking of her often and hoping to challenge her while she challenges me. Both of us losing 50 pounds will improve our lives a great deal!!

I think that about covers everything going on right now.

Pondering Points

I have many things whirling through my brain like a blender. Thankfully I had some 'talk therapy' with my friend Sue yesterday-so I don't feel so debilitated by the slush that is my brain right now. In fact, I am encouraged. Many things have happened to me that will make me a better person. In no particular order, here they are:
(bulleted for your reading enjoyment)

• My new friend Phyllis pointing out a 'pride' issue that I was blissfully unaware of has really made an impact on me in a positive way. I can't say it was fun to hear, but it was right on the mark. This week I have pondered all the ways that sin has crept into my life and prevented me from being the person God wants me to be. It has allowed me to blame people and circumstances for things that are clearly orchestrated by the evil one. It is so easy to forget who the real enemy is!! My pride problem works like this: Someone says or does something that I find hurtful. I then choose to believe that it is a way to undermine me because that someone does not want me around, doesn't like me, doesn't respect me-fill in the blank. I then begin to distance myself from those people and circumstances because if they don't want me I don't want to be there. I choose to take offense and be offended. The reality is, STUFF HAPPENS. Sometimes I say something that is taken the wrong way. Sometimes I take something said the wrong way. Sometimes I am hurtful with my words on purpose and other people are too-usually we feel bad later and wish we had not. Sometimes I don't know all the details and fill in the blanks, erroneously. To think that things happen out of some form of malice is ridiculous. Sure, that is probably the case 2% of the time. (When I was in middle school the number was more around 88%, perhaps the scarring is deeper than I thought!) Most of the time though, it is imperfect people solving problems imperfectly, imperfect people communicating imperfectly. To see myself as some sort of VICTIM is very prideful. To think that other people are so worried about me that they will go out of their way to leave me out, talk bad about me, connive ways to hurt me is ridiculous. Furthermore, if that ever is the case, I need to be praying for those people not resenting and avoiding them. Pride is big. It puts me at the center of the world and that is a spot best reserved for someone whose sandals I am not fit to carry. We won't have perfect Christian fellowship this side of Heaven.
• I have not been training my children. I have been dictating to my children. This will not grow them into the people God plans for them to be. We all do better when we are trained and equipped for a job, not ordered around. Being ordered around just leads to rebellion. I have a Ph.D in rebellion. I don't want the same for anyone else, especially not my children.
• I am nowhere near the declutterer I want to be. I am working diligently towards it, but I want a plan. I will be setting some goals and working towards them instead of waiting for 'the mood' to strike. 'The mood' is very elusive and can't be trusted.
• I am slipping into summer nothingness. I don't want to let it slip away and not accomplish anything. There is so much fun stuff we can do and still not be regimented. I want fun for us this summer, not hanging by our toes like a sloth. I only want to be the sloth once a week.
• I did not miss TV one time while away at camp. I loved all the face time I had with real people. The kids I met at camp inspired and encouraged me. The grown-ups I met were real and honest and wonderful. I am grateful to have had such an awesome opportunity to be a part of the staff. I can't wait until next year. and the next. and the next.
• It truly does take a village to raise kids. Other grown-ups can encourage my kids to do something with one word that would take me a lifetime to get them to do. It is an amazing gift when someone cares enough about my kids to get to know them, encourage them to be good people, and still love them when they are unpleasant. I hope God will help me to be the same to their children-all children. Jesus gave us a mandate to love the little children. They are not finished and they need love. The lost unlovable need it the most. God, please give me the love I need to share!
• I am blessed to have friends who love me enough to share truths with me-good and bad. The bad stuff is critical. God means our friendships to be iron sharpening iron. Who among us wants to be the dullest tool in the tool shed?

So, there you have it. A compilation to all the 'deep thoughts' of janjanmom. Some of my lofty goals can be accomplished quickly. However, most of the changes that need to be made will take a while.

God, You are good. Blessed be Your Name in a land that is suffering.

Simply Me on Monday

FOR TODAY Monday, June 15, 2009

Outside my window...I am in the wireless bar at the library so out the very skinny window I see a beautiful tree and the not as beautiful rainy day.

I am thinking...about camp and all the wonderful new friends I made. It was a very sacred place comprised of encouraging Christians. Iron sharpening iron types of Christians. I will never be the same.

I am thankful for...the new friend who confronted me on my issue with my pride. I never knew I had the issue and after she gently mentioned it, God allowed about a hundred examples of it to flood through my brain. I cried myself to sleep that night.

From the learning rooms...Geography and Math this week. Doctor(for my knee-FINALLY), library and laundry for today though!!

From the kitchen...Since I challenged a fellow camper to lose at least 50 pounds with me before next year's camp-I suppose the stuff from my kitchen will be healthier!!

I am wearing...a tee shirt and jeans.

I am creating...a blog post and not much more today.

I am going...to smack the daughter reading over my shoulder....LOL. To get myself to bed at a decent time tonight.

I am reading...An awesome book one of my new friends from camp wrote. It is phenomenal and I will be reviewing it very soon. You will HAVE to buy it, it is THAT life-changing!!

I am hoping...to be able to make some positive changes in my closest relationships.

I am hearing...noises that require no response from me at the library.

Around the house...My animals really missed me. And I really missed them. The piles of laundry are getting smaller. The suitcases really need all the sandy mud hosed off of them but a wipe down will have to suffice.

One of my favorite things...My bed and snuggling with Darling Hubby. I missed him so much and it is good to be home.

A few plans for the rest of the week: A movie and a church party tomorrow. A home birthday party to be planned some time for Lilly. A softball game for Hubby. A youth activity. I really want to pick blueberries this week-Jessica? YARD SALES on Saturday!! AND probably lots more I can't remember because I am still sleep deprived.